Personal Growth

Why Not Me, Lord?

Finally, I had some personal "me" time. The kids were all tucked away, and I was ready to relax. I grabbed my coffee and headed to my bedroom. As soon as I plopped down on my bed, I picked up my phone. Out of habit, I logged into my Facebook account. My newsfeed was filled with the same old memes and stories. Nothing really excited me. So, I took a stroll over to Instagram, and it was there that my heart was broken. 

 Lord, am I good enough?

Lord, am I good enough?

The very first post I encountered was that of a beautiful young woman. Every strand of hair was in place, her body was flawless, and she seemed to have it all together. Most importantly, she was a woman of God. Her ministry was prospering and everything just seemed awesome. It was almost as if she was surrounded by a halo of light! My gosh...she was perfect! Her life was beyond compare!

After staring at several of her pictures, I observed the number of followers she had and all of the positive comments on each of her posts. By now, as you may have guessed it, I was full of envy! I mean, here I was...a woman of God, also...seeking to win others to Christ but barely keeping my page afloat. It seemed as though I was not making a real impact for the Kingdom, my life was far from perfect, and my hair was big and frizzy. 

Immediately, I questioned God. I shouted to Him, "Why aren't You helping me, Lord? I am doing this for YOU!" I went into a pity party about how I did not have the support I needed, as well as how my life seemed to be falling apart rather than coming together. My life seemed to be a disaster compared to the girl on Instagram. Honestly, I ranted until I felt like I had given the Lord a piece of my mind. Boy, did I think I was telling Him something He needed to hear!

Then a voice asked me, "Exactly who are you doing this for? Me or you?" Talk about EGGS IN MY FACE! I was so embarrassed and had to repent. This pity party revealed to me that I had envy in my heart, and envy is a sin. 

"But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. for where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." James 3:14-16, NIV

That night, the Lord taught me that we all have a place to serve in the body of Christ. Everyone has a specific task to complete. Therefore, It is not all about who has the most followers, the prettiest website, the perfect body, etc. It is all about our willingness to serve the Lord and win souls for the Kingdom.

The Lord also used this situation to reveal that I was harboring comparison and envy in my heart. We are all created in His image, and He shows no favoritism. It is up to us to use the the talents that He gives us.

Although someone may seem to have it all together, no one is perfectly perfect. We all have secret flaws, yet only our strengths are made public. So we should stop thinking people have it all together just because they post lovely photos on social media.

After going before the Lord, He reveal to me that I often felt rejected by others and that I was trying to outperform others for acceptance. None of this works in His Kingdom because there is no selfish ambition. If you have found that you have been envious of others and their success, repent right now. Ask the Lord to make known what is truly hidden inside your heart and why you feel inferior. There is a root cause that only He can disclose. 

The Restored Blossom

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Dear Blossom, hold your head up high.

No more, my dear, will you have to cry.

I have heard your pleas and requests.

I believe you are now ready for my best.

You do not have to be filled with regret.

Please, Blossom, do not fret.

 

I have been watching you all along.

With me is where you've always belonged.

When you made foolish choices, I was there.

Watching you hurt was almost too much to bear.

Through it all, I never left your side.

I was there in the midnight hour when you cried.

Wanting to reach out and hold you,

But with sin, you were not through.

 

I was there when you were depressed.

You didn't think you were one of my best.

Worth and value, you could not find.

Your light from within could not shine.

You turned to temporary things for love.

Yet none fulfilled you like Him from above.

It is I that created you beautiful and free.

But bondage is where you chose to be.

 

I still love you, now more than ever.

With sin, those ties you must sever.

I want you to come home to me, let me restore you.

There is so much for Me I want you to do.

You have the choice to be free.

In my loving arms is where I really want you to be.

Joy, peace, love and laughter, let Me give your more.

To you, my daughter, my blossom, let me restore.

Overcoming My Low Esteem

For the longest, I cared more about what people thought of me than I cared about myself. I let so many people shoot down my dreams and make me feel like I was not good enough.

If they said I was ugly, I believed it. If they said I was dumb, I believed it. If I was complimented, I would cling to every word, replaying them over and over in my mind. I was not in control of my thoughts or my perception of myself. Obviously, my self-esteem was nonexistent.

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I thank God for showing me exactly who I am. He stated in Psalm 139:14 that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Song of Solomon 4:7 told me that I am altogether beautiful and Honey, there is not a flaw in me. Our God does not make mistakes!

Looking back on my past, I now realize that those same people never really had anything good going for themselves. They only put me down to make themselves feel better. Could they have had low self-esteem too, but found comfort in bullying me? Maybe!

It’s all good though because all things work together for those who believe and trust in God. Jesus did not die on the cross and rise again just for me to wallow in low self-esteem and doubt. I’ve got work to do. As long as there is breath left in my body, I will serve Him and live my life, just as He said I should. The Lord said that I am worthy, and I’m sticking to that promise!

Finding Purpose in Your Pain

Did you know that there is purpose in your pain? Everything that you have experienced has been to establish you for such a time as now. During my youth, I battled heavily with depression and low self-esteem. I would judge myself based on the how others looked. I thought I was soooo ugly. I never felt I was good enough. Therefore, I carried that attitude over into every facet of my life. My low self-esteem and depression led me down a path of negative self-talk and bitterness. I did not love myself, and it was evident in everything that I thought, said and did.

Little did I know that others could pick up on my perception of myself. Did you know that you teach people how to treat you? You actually train others to either treat you positively or negatively. Well, I trained people to treat me poorly. I attracted the worst people into my life. Many only wanted to use me. I always felt that I had to "buy" my friends or give more than the next person in order to keep people around. As soon as the money or whatever I was offering ran out, so did the people..leaving me empty-handed and defeated.

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I was tired of being treated so unfairly. I thought the best place for me to be was dead. So after my mother passed in 2011, I sank into deep depression. The depression was so deep that I thought dying was the only way out. I was dealing with so much. On top of the death of my mother, I was practically forced to have a tubal ligation or risk dying if I had another child. I did not want to have this procedure done. My marriage was failing miserably due to countless fights and arguments. My depression reached an all-time low. And to top it all all, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I ended up leaving my job as a teacher, never to return, and my marriage ended. My world was pretty much falling apart.

Long story short (because there is so much more), it wasn't until I decided to give everything over to the Lord that I was able to have victory in my life. Yes, I still fall down, but I get back up quicker than ever before. I can hear the Holy Spirit when He instructs me now. Before, it was hard to hear Him. Not to mention, my story has helped countless women out there going through many of the same things. All of my horrible experiences worked together to make me the diamond that I am. A diamond is nothing but a rock...until it is put under an immense amount of pressure and heat. Oh, Honey...I had more pressure and heat than the normal person could bear! Yet, I am still standing. Victorious and willing to help other women find wholeness and restoration in the Lord, Jesus Christ.